Gettin’ Medieval

This week has been our annual July staycation week. That means Hubs takes the week off work, lots of things go awry and aren’t all fun and games, which annoys him but the fact is he’s the only one on “vacation” – and then some good times are had too. For example, yesterday, Hubs, The Girl, and I played our first ever threesome round of 9 holes.  Her first time ever, and my first time in a couple of decades. It was fun. I wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d feared. As for The Girl? She’s a natural. Hubs isn’t too horrible either. Then again, this is all by my standards. Anyway, after golf, we peeled off our clothes (it was around 90 degrees and humid), showered, then headed back out in the heat to a MiLB ball game, and brought along The Girl’s bestie for extra fun. It was a good night (our team won 15-5). But it doesn’t match last night.

Possibly nothing ever will.

Last night, we went to Medieval Times for dinner. Oh, so much… just… so much. Hubs and I started off with the bar for necessities.

Note the blue crown, a la The Cable Guy. Yet I was about as enthused as Steven Kovacs.

Then, The Girl perused the “gift shop” – basically the entire lobby is a gift shop of themed goods. There was even a Minecraft sword. What? Anyway, she settled on the not at all anachronistic rainbow LED battle axe, becuase it fit the bill of being “light up but not girly.” I had wanted to check out the Dungeon of torture for an extra $2, but the sign outside said, “Display not suitable for children.” Yeah – seeing as the one thing I could spy from the open exit door was a spiked collar (spikes INSIDE), I guess maybe taking her in there was not such a keen idea. So, after a bit more standing around and waiting for a few kids to be knighted, we were allowed into the arena, where before long, the show began.

Staycation fun?

King Don Carlos and his princess read off some announcements (you, too, can be announced for a mere $10 extra), including the predictable birthdays. Hubs and I were a bit surprised with the anniversary couples, maybe a tad less so by the bachelorette party. But the couple celebrating their wedding THAT DAY? What?! Why?! Why would you go there on your WEDDING DAY?! Um, mazel tov, I guess.

Eventually the knights came out. Ours was the only black knight. And I mean that he wore chainmail over his head because he was the only dude who couldn’t grow that Fabio mane sported by the rest of the knights. Ok, that was cool. But then, as he rode over towards our section (we were seated in color-coded cheering sections based on our knight), he gave a couple of patrons a sidelong glance – the kind that says, “How you doin’?” Hubs and I about lost it.

The Girl was as excited as Chip, The Cable Guy. Her Sierra Mist may have been inadvertently replaced with Mountain Dew.

Meanwhile, I’m fretting over the fact that I’m in the middle of a long table (think theater in the round, with a bar in front of each row of seats) with no easy way out, and already I had to pee. But, I had to hold it because it seemed like our server, Ryne (like the stone, he told us – apparently not a Cubs fan), was in a hurry to get us going on our meal. Ok then. Except, I kept wanting to call him Rune, as in Jackson Belleville’s cousin. Nevermind that. Hubs pointed out that there was no silverware. I’d totally forgotten that aspect of the meal. I was very concerned over the fact that we only had one napkin (which I ended up dropping sometime during the first course).

Our glorious four course meal began with tomato bisque (which Rune said was dragon’s blood but it tastes like tomato soup) – which I think was really Campbell’s tomato soup, with nary a hint of bisque-iness; ah, but plenty of saltiness. Plus there was garlic bread (which Rune called something else clever, but I forget what). Then came the baby dragons, which looked and tasted just like a salt lick in the form of a juicy half chicken. After that, we enjoyed (?) dragon tails, which looked and tasted like sweet (as in sugar soaked) corn, and dragon eggs, which strongly resembled salt roasted around half a potato. Ok, truth be told, the food was tasty, but seriously, My eyes were swelled shut by morning. Oh, lest I forget – the pastry of the castle, which was lemon pound cake (tasted like lemon pound cake). I wish I had pictures of all of this food to show you, but seeing as we had to eat with our hands – no utensils in Medieval times, you know – I wasn’t about to take out my phone and gunk it up.

On the way out, Hubs pondered the fact that we each were served half a small chicken, and just how many chickens were sacrificed for that meal. Um, a lot. In fact, around 1000 per show. If that bothers you, they do have a vegetarian option.

Would I go again? Hopefully not. But, The Girl had the time of her life, so that counts for something.

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